I'll bet that if you trained an owl to sit on your head... you could go into a bar and get free drinks! ...Well... ...At least until the police came.
A Giraffe walks into a bar and says, "The hi balls are on me!..."
A guy walks into a pub with a giraffe under one arm. He walks over to the bar, places the giraffe on the floor, and orders a beer. The barman gets the guy his drink and then says "You can't leave that lying there!". At this comment the guy replies "It's not a lion it's a giraffe." A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?" A termite walks into a bar and says "Where is the bar tender?" A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a pint of beer. The bartender says"Sorry, we don't serve food." A guys into a bar and asks the bartender if he wants to hear a dumb jock joke.
The bartender says, "The guy in the corner is a profession wrestler. The guy in the other corner is a prize fighter. This guy next to you is a professional hockey play. I played football for 5 years. Now, do you STILL want to tell your dumb jock joke?"
The guy says, "No. I don't want to have to explain it 4 times."
This man walks into a bar with an old shopping bag in hand. He sets the bag on top of the bar and pulls up his stool. The bartender comes over and asks what he'll have to swill. As he states his preference, something in the bag is moving around shaking the paper bag. The bartender gives a puzzled look but proceeds to the tap. As he's filling the mug, he looks at the bag again and sees that something is still moving around in the bag. He brings the beer over and places it in front of the man.
His curiosity gets the best of him and he asks the man what he's got in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little piano and sets it on the bar... the bartender looks intently at the piano as the man again reaches into the bag... pulling out a small piano bench. He places the bench in front of the piano and again reaches into the bag pulling out a foot tall man. The man sits at the piano and begins playing.
The bartender says,"wow, he sure can play the piano,where'd you get him?"
The guy looks at him and again reaches into the bag and pulls out a genie lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here, go ahead, rub it.."
So the bartender says, "Is there a real genie in there?"
The guy says, "Yes, just rub it and see."
So the bartender says okay and begins to rub the lamp... and out pops this beautiful genie.
She says,"I will grant you one wish, and one wish only."
So the bartender ponders this for a moment and says, "Okay, I'd like a million bucks."
The genie disappears.. and they're both waiting and waiting and nothing happens. They both look at each other and shrug their shoulders. Then a minute later a duck pops up at the end of the bar. They both look at each other, very puzzled, and then another duck appears... and another, and another.. and it continues.
The bartender looks at the guy and says, "I think your genie is deaf. I said I wanted a million bucks not a million ducks."
And the man says, "Yes, I know, do you think I wanted a twelve inch pianist?"
A Chinese man walks into a bar and on seeing the bar man is black shouts"Gimme a jigger Niger". The black man tells him how that wasn`t a nice thing to say, and how would he like the same treatment. The Chinese man explains he wouldn`t give a shit, so the black man says okay, you get behind the bar, and we`ll try it again.
So the Chinese man gets behind the bar and the black guy goes outside.
After a few seconds the black man comes in and says, "Gimme a drink Chink". The Chinese man stares at him and says "Fuck off, we don`t serve Nigers".
This guy goes into a bar looking real depressed, and orders a drink. As soon as it hits the bar, the man shoots it down and orders another. The sympathetic bartender asks, "Any thing you want to talk about?"
The depressed man replies "Well for the last couple months, I suspected my wife was cheating on me. So today, I took the day off work to follow her. When I came home for lunch, I caught her screwing my best friend."
"Wow" replied the bartender, "If you don't mind me asking, what do you say to your best friend in that situation?"The man replied, "Well I looked him right in the eye, and I yelled, BAD DOG!!!"
Woman walks into a bar with a dog under her arm
barman - Where'd you get the pig?
woman - That's not a pig, it's a dog!
barman - I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the dog.