Makan Malam Suami

Suatu pagi ketika seorang suami hendak berangkat ke tempat kerjanya..

Suami : "Ema.. abang pergi dulu ya"
Isteri : "Abang tak sarapan dulu?"
Suami : "Tidak.. abang nak cepat nie!"
Lalu sisuami mencium bibir isterinya dengan mesra dan
berkata "inilah sarapan pagi abang"

Tengaharinya. . si suami pulang kerumah..

Isteri : " Ada apa abang balik kerumah tengahari ni?"
Suami : " Ada sesuatu yang tertinggal"
Isteri : Marilah makan tengahari dulu"
Suami : "Tak pe lah.. abang nak cepat nie"
Lalu dengan mesranya sisuami menghampiri isterinya dan
mencium "dadanya" sambil berkata "inilah makan tengahari abang!"

Petangnya.. ketika si suami pulang dari kerja dia terkejut melihat sikap
isterinya yang duduk tanpa pakaian diatas periuk nasi yang panas membara..
lalu betanya..

Suami : "Awak sedang buat apa tu?"
Isteri : "Panaskan makan malam bang!"

**bagi yang sudah berkahwin..jangan buat macam ini, jangan contohi pasangan yg agak mangkuk di dalam cerita lawak neh... hahahahaha!

Baju Cinta

Seorang nenek datang menziarahi rumah cucu perempuannya yang baru
berkahwin. Setelah membunyikan loceng, si nenek terkejut kerana mendapati
cucu perempuannya yang membuka pintu dgn tanpa seurat benang pun di badannya. Belum sempat si nenek bertanya, si cucu berkata,

"Saya sedang menunggu suami saya pulang dari berkerja nie nek!"..

"Yg kau telanjang tu nape!!!???" marah si nenek.
"Ini la BAJU CINTA saya" balas si cucu perempuannya.
"BAJU CINTA ??" si nenek kehairanan.
"Ya, suami saya menyukainya, saya juga begitu senang MEMAKAInya.
Saya harap nenek dapat balik dulu sebelum suami saya pulang kerana tentu
suami saya nanti akan berasa malu melihat saya memakai BAJU CINTA ini di
hadapan nenek." pinta si cucu perempuannya.

Si nenek faham kehendak cucunya. Dalam fikirannya mungkin itu cara terbaru
si isteri melayan sang suami. Di dalam perjalanan pulang si nenek mendapat
idea. Fikirnya dengan mengikut cara cucu perempuannya, sudah tentu dia dapat
mengeratkan hubungannya dengan si atok yang sudah berumur.

Sesampainya di rumah, si nenek tadi terus menanggalkan semua pakaiannya,
mandi, berbedak dan memakai minyak wangi sewangi wanginya. Kemudian si
nenek tadi pun menunggu si atok pulang. Beberapa ketika si atok pon pulang.
Sebaik saja pintu di buka, si atok mendapati si nenek berbogel kat depan pintu....

"Awat hang nie? Dah buang tebiat keeer???" marah si atok tadi.
"Ini lah BAJU CINTA saya bang" kata si nenek tadi.

"BAJU CINTA???.... .. Kok iyea pun..... IRON la dulu baju tuh!!
nampak sangat kedutnyer... .."

Pegang kuat-kuat nek

Udin hendak menghantar neneknya yang sakit ke klinik dengan menaiki motor.

Udin: Mari la naik nek, pegang kuat-kuat yea..nanti jatuh!

Nenek: Iya lah, nenek pegang kuat-kuat la nie...

Udin: Jangan lupa pegang kuat-kuat yea nek!!! (kata Udin lagi mengingatkan)

Nenek: Iya, nenek dah pegang kuat-kuat la nie, takut sangat.

Udin: Ok, kalau begitu kita berangkat ya, nek.

Udin lalu 'merempit' motornya, lalu terdengar benda jatuh BUUAAAAKKKK!!!!!
Udin terperanjat, lalu menoleh ke belakang, dan ternampak si nenek terjatuh dari motornya.

Udin: Lah kenapa boleh jatuh gak nie, nek?!! Nenek tak pegang kuat-kuat agaknye?

Nenek: Nenek dah pegang kuat-kuat dah tadi!!!!

Udin: Nenek pegang kat mana?

Nenek: pagar rumah.

Udin: "$%^&(#....."

Bos yang cerdik

Ni kisah satu org makhluk yg dilantik menggantikan bos asal sebuah kompani besar. Disebabkan masalah pekerja2 yg agak kurang motivasi dan selalu cuai + pemalas, bos baru ni decide nak ajar mereka sikit firstday dia kat kompani tu. So, sape2 yg dia nampak paling pemalas, dia akan pecat on the spot. Mmg malang tidak berbau, dia ternampak seorg pekerja yg sedang dok nyandar kat tepi dinding.

"Yg berbaju biru tu" dia menjerit. Jeritan kuat nyebabkan semua perkerja tersentak dan memandang kepada lelaki berkenaan. "Bape gaji awak?" dia bertanya dgn nada yg agak keras "Dalam RM800" pekerja tu menjawap

Bos tu menjawap, "Nah amik ni Rm800,BERAMBUS DARI SINI. KALU NAK MALAS2 PEGI TEMPAT LAIN" Pekerja tu amik duit tu, lalu terus blah camtu jek. Bos tadi memandang kesemua pekerja2 nye, seperti mahu mereka paham, sape malas, sure kene pecat! Merasakan pekerja2 memahami maksud kejadian tadi, bos itu merasa puas.Sebelum bos itu masuk semula ke dalam opis nye, dia bertanya kepada salah seorg pekerja disitu,"Mamat tadi tu kerja department mana?"

Jawap si pekerja,"Owh, dia tu dtg anto pizza, tak keje sini pun".

Malek: Doktor, saya ada masalah besar. Setiap kali hendak tidur, saya mesti rasa macam ada orang di bawah katil. Sebaliknya bila saya tidur di bawah katil, saya rasa ada orang di atas. Saya rasa macam nak gila!
Doktor: Jgn bimbang. Bagi saya masa dua tahun, masalah awak akan selesai. Datang jumpa saya tiga kali seminggu.


Malek: Berapa bayarannya utk sekali pertemuan?
Doktor: Tak mahal..hanya RM 100 sahaja.
Enam bulan kemudian, doktor bertemu Malek sedang membeli-belah.

Doktor: Kenapa tak datang jumpa saya?
Malek: Masalah dah selesai. Penjaga kedai seberang jalan tu ubatkan saya.
Doktor: Ya..bagaimana?
Malek: Dia suruh saya potong kaki katil... .

I'll bet that if you trained an owl to sit on your head... you could go into a bar and get free drinks! ...Well... ...At least until the police came.

I'll bet that if you trained an owl to sit on your head... you could go into a bar and get free drinks! ...Well... ...At least until the police came.

A Giraffe walks into a bar and says, "The hi balls are on me!..."
A guy walks into a pub with a giraffe under one arm. He walks over to the bar, places the giraffe on the floor, and orders a beer. The barman gets the guy his drink and then says "You can't leave that lying there!". At this comment the guy replies "It's not a lion it's a giraffe." A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?" A termite walks into a bar and says "Where is the bar tender?" A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a pint of beer. The bartender says"Sorry, we don't serve food." A guys into a bar and asks the bartender if he wants to hear a dumb jock joke.

The bartender says, "The guy in the corner is a profession wrestler. The guy in the other corner is a prize fighter. This guy next to you is a professional hockey play. I played football for 5 years. Now, do you STILL want to tell your dumb jock joke?"

The guy says, "No. I don't want to have to explain it 4 times."
This man walks into a bar with an old shopping bag in hand. He sets the bag on top of the bar and pulls up his stool. The bartender comes over and asks what he'll have to swill. As he states his preference, something in the bag is moving around shaking the paper bag. The bartender gives a puzzled look but proceeds to the tap. As he's filling the mug, he looks at the bag again and sees that something is still moving around in the bag. He brings the beer over and places it in front of the man.

His curiosity gets the best of him and he asks the man what he's got in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little piano and sets it on the bar... the bartender looks intently at the piano as the man again reaches into the bag... pulling out a small piano bench. He places the bench in front of the piano and again reaches into the bag pulling out a foot tall man. The man sits at the piano and begins playing.

The bartender says,"wow, he sure can play the piano,where'd you get him?"

The guy looks at him and again reaches into the bag and pulls out a genie lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here, go ahead, rub it.."

So the bartender says, "Is there a real genie in there?"

The guy says, "Yes, just rub it and see."

So the bartender says okay and begins to rub the lamp... and out pops this beautiful genie.

She says,"I will grant you one wish, and one wish only."

So the bartender ponders this for a moment and says, "Okay, I'd like a million bucks."

The genie disappears.. and they're both waiting and waiting and nothing happens. They both look at each other and shrug their shoulders. Then a minute later a duck pops up at the end of the bar. They both look at each other, very puzzled, and then another duck appears... and another, and another.. and it continues.

The bartender looks at the guy and says, "I think your genie is deaf. I said I wanted a million bucks not a million ducks."

And the man says, "Yes, I know, do you think I wanted a twelve inch pianist?"
A Chinese man walks into a bar and on seeing the bar man is black shouts"Gimme a jigger Niger". The black man tells him how that wasn`t a nice thing to say, and how would he like the same treatment. The Chinese man explains he wouldn`t give a shit, so the black man says okay, you get behind the bar, and we`ll try it again.

So the Chinese man gets behind the bar and the black guy goes outside.

After a few seconds the black man comes in and says, "Gimme a drink Chink". The Chinese man stares at him and says "Fuck off, we don`t serve Nigers".
This guy goes into a bar looking real depressed, and orders a drink. As soon as it hits the bar, the man shoots it down and orders another. The sympathetic bartender asks, "Any thing you want to talk about?"

The depressed man replies "Well for the last couple months, I suspected my wife was cheating on me. So today, I took the day off work to follow her. When I came home for lunch, I caught her screwing my best friend."

"Wow" replied the bartender, "If you don't mind me asking, what do you say to your best friend in that situation?"The man replied, "Well I looked him right in the eye, and I yelled, BAD DOG!!!"
Woman walks into a bar with a dog under her arm

barman - Where'd you get the pig?
woman - That's not a pig, it's a dog!
barman - I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the dog.

open ur eyes after u have reason to smile again..

If u sad, u feel lonely, don’t cry for that, just close your eyes and remember your childhood days, ur happy days, ur sweet memory days, and remember that someone can make u laughing, strong again..That’s all will come when u close ur eyes...open it after u have reason to smile again..Don’t give up... because around u have me,them and us..cheer our life..before be end..